Steve stood up, holding his besausage'd fork in hand.
"I have an announcement to make." He paused, waiting for someone to say something. They continued eating. "Everyone? Hello? Announcement over here." He waited again.
"Yeah, we got it, now shut up and eat." said cousin Earl, fresh out of prison. Steve persisted.
"Well, what I was wanting to tell you is that I'm getting married." At this, a round of muffled laughing and choking was heard. "Me and Janet haven't decided on a date, but it will be soon." More laughter. "What? What's so funny? And someone help Aunt Jane, she's choking on her chicken." Steve said, to another round of snickers. He ignored them.
Nobody said anything. Finally, Mama Joan spoke up.
"Well, honey... I don't know how to tell you this... But.. Well, everyone thought you were gay."
Silence.
Steve stared. "What? Why on earth would you think such a thing?"
More silence.
Cousin Ralph licked his lips and spoke, "Well, son, I think it was the fag-pants." at this, he got his shoulder smacked by his girlfriend Cynthia. "What? Well, it's true! The music you listen to makes you look fuckin' queer as a three dollar bill." This earned him several snickers and Language!'s.
"Dude, I have been dating Janet for three years. Why on earth would you think such a thing?" Wondered Steve. "And don't call me son, it's annoying. You're younger than me."
"Well, we kind of thought that she was gay too." muttered Old Uncle Jameson. "I've read about gay couples that hide it by dating each other and pretending to be straight."
This time, everyone stared at him. "Where did you read this?" asked Gram-Grams.
Jameson mumbled something incomprehensible.
"What was that?" someone else from down the table asked, "I couldn't hear it."
All the people surrounding him looked away, embarrassed. Finally, Mary said, biting her lip, "Harry Potter fanfiction. Jameson just admitted to reading dirty Harry Potter fanfiction." She burst out laughing.
This naturally created a cacophony of laughter, making Jameson sink further into his seat. He looked angrily at Mary.
"Oh, you can't laugh, missy. You're the one that got drunk and propositioned yourself to your own cousin at last years Christmas party!" He pointed an accusing finger at a forgotten teen at the corner of the table, zoned out listening to his iPod. He gave them a guilty look, assuming they were admonishing him for listening to music instead of socializing.
"Fine, I'll turn it off. I was just listening to Cousin Dupree." he sighed, removing his earbuds. A wall of stares and silence met him. "What, you guys don't like Steely Dan?" More silence. Understanding dawned.
He groaned. "Oh god, you guys aren't still harping on about that Christmas party thing, are you? Jesus Christ..."
Mike, who was sitting in the shadow quietly nursing his drink, spoke. "It wasn't as bad as that time that Jeromy set that pig on fire at the Fourth of July party and revealed that his dad was a pedophile." As soon as he finished, an irate cousin-or-other slammed his drink down on the table, splashing wine everywhere.
"Damnit man, did you take your dried frog pills tonight? We're not related to anyone named Jeromy. We don't even HAVE a Fourth of July party. You just like to make shit up, don't you?" He yelled down the table.
By this point, some people had started standing up and saying things like 'Look at the time!' and heading off to the door.
Someone slapped the man's shoulder, saying "Don't be hard on him, he's not well. You know that."
Argument in full swing, the remaining people were getting progressively more drunk and angry. Eventually, a punch was thrown, and the place turned into a brawl. It didn't die down till much later, when everyone went home.
Thanksgiving as usual.
